You Are Not Your Ego

UNFILTERED MUSING 01

There has been a lot of change in my life recently. I left a job that I’ve had for nearly four years — the job that really helped me get settled in Kentucky after moving back from Beijing, China. It grew me and allowed me to plant deep roots.

I’ve also started cooking. Something that was once a dreary idea of mine. I avoided it at all cost. But you can find me on Monday evenings, and maybe Saturday or Sunday mornings, blaring Stevie Nicks in the kitchen using my new mixer my family got us for Christmas.

Gratefully, cooking is something my wife has always enjoyed (I recognize this is a privilege of mine). Where cooking isn’t something that I feel like I havvveeee to do, but it’s something I am mindfully choosing to do now.

I was sharing my new mindfulness practice with a friend the other night for dinner, and she replied, “It sounds like you’re in a spot of peace.”

And I am still thinking about that.

The past couple of months, I deep-down knew it was time to step away from this job, especially when I started to feel the sunday scaries. Something that I used to get excited for quickly became something I dreaded.

Change can teach you a lot about who you truly believe you are. Whether you are stepping away from a job, starting something entirely new, or taking your business to the next level — I feel like that’s when your ego is speaking the loudest.

I’m learning a lot about my ego right now. As someone who has always expressed how authenticity is important to her, I feel resistance right now. I’ve come to realize that authenticity is so important to me because it’s something that I’ve had to fight for.

Growing up, as the oldest child, a high school star basketball player, and role model in the church youth group, these were identities that carried me through as being seen as having a certain status. My ego loved that. I was good and deemed worthy.

When I realized I was gay, I never saw that representation that this was a reputation deemed good. My ego hated that—fear of being seen as anything less than good and worthy.

Coming out, my inner knowing had a constant battle with my ego. Where I had to consistently choose love over protecting my tamed reputation.

I’ve struggled a lot with fear of judgment, and that’s why authenticity is so important to me. I want to be a representation that who you are is already deemed worthy and good — no matter how you evolve throughout your life.

What I am learning now is that my ego speaks in a different wavelength throughout my career. It’s like my ego can show up as different Inside Out characters, and the one who steps up to the control booth when it comes to my career is fear of incompetency.

What if they think I don’t have my shit together? What if they see right through me that sometimes I fear of saying the wrong things, or not saying things elegantly enough? What if they misunderstand me for doing something selfish to what I am believe is good for the bigger picture?

Which brings me to ‘unfiltered musings.’ I have always found writing to be so healing to me. It’s an opportunity where I can make myself feel seen, heard, and encouraged all at the same time. This is a new series of reflections that I want to authentically share with you…and if it speaks to you too, well, I am honored to be your muse.

Where I am leaning more into my essence, my desire of authenticity, and navigating through the ego characters that are low-key trying to take over my peace.

I’ve learned that peace isn’t something that you can externally get. It’s something that is internally created.

And with all the change that is going around me, cooking is something that allows me to get my head out of my body and just be. Where I breathe. I dance. I clean as I go, not from something that I have to do, but because it makes me feel calm. I get to experience all of my senses — through the feeling of flour in my fingers, the smell of the pasta sauce cooking, the sound of Stevie Nicks in my ears, and seeing wife and dogs dancing with me in the kitchen.

It’s something that I don’t have to be deemed as good, worthy, or smart enough…I can just simply BE.

Let this first unfiltered musing remind you that you are not your ego, and no matter what is going on in the world, you are peace. You just have to give yourself a chance to strip your ego, and simply BE.

Rooting for you,

JESS

The candlelight dinner that I recently cooked for my lovely wife on a random Monday night.

We had salad, chicken pesto pasta, and a glass of wine. Included intimacy question cards.