UNFILTERED MUSING 09

Last month, I took my 10th trip to Uganda. In the early years, I went as a visitor until I moved there on my 3rd trip. By the 4th trip, I began to realize the impact I could create through my own work instead of relying on serving through an organization I didn’t fully agree with.

Over the years in Uganda, I have taught, coached basketball, and built relationships with the kids at the orphanage where I lived. I have been called “Mom” before. In Uganda, it is common to call a caretaker “Momma” before their first name. It is a sign of respect for the role you play.

This being my 10th trip, I no longer go as a visitor. I travel to Uganda for work. I went through my own nonprofit organization, where we support women and girls with safe housing and the chance to go to school. Some of these girls are orphans. Some are raised by incredibly resilient single mothers or grandmothers. They all live in extreme poverty without the support they need to feel safe and continue their education.

Doing this work has never made me feel like I am their mother. I see it as standing beside them, whether I am physically there or not. I see it as being a motherly figure in their lives, supporting them as they grow into all they are meant to be.

Before stepping foot in Uganda for the 10th time, my wife and I had been trying to grow our family, though so far we have been unsuccessful.

When I stepped onto the red dirt, I was desperate to feel grounded. Even with the long workdays, I needed that steadiness. My days were full, visiting the girls at their schools. They are spread across five different boarding schools. I also spent time connecting with single mothers and women who are interested in learning crafts.

During school visits, we would bring snacks so we could sit down together and catch up. One comment stayed with me. Someone said I could serve the food since I was “serving as their mother.”

I have heard this many times before, in different ways. In the past two years, while doing this same work, I have heard it again. But with the journey I am on now in my personal life, the “M” word stands out more than ever.

When you are trying to grow your family, there is always a big “what if.” What if I never know what it feels like to grow a baby inside of me? What if I never get to share the news with our families? What if I never take those first-day-of-school photos?

On many occasions during this trip, I was called “mother” or “mom.” What I desperately crave is something I am already being seen as. Something I am already living.

We had one big day when all the girls from five different boarding schools gathered under one roof. One of the things we set out to do was take their headshots, what we call their school photos.

As much as I carry the complexity of emotions in this in-between season, I realized something. I am already stepping into the role I long for.

Everywhere I went, I saw women caring for each other. Women raising children who are orphans. Older girls watching over younger girls. There were so many examples of the essence of being a mother without the biological aspect.

It does not take away the desire to be a biological mother. But in some way, it gives me an outlet for the longing I feel.

We are still at the beginning of our journey to grow our family. But I am grateful for the moments where I can be a motherly figure now. It gives me peace to think that if the “what if” never happens, I will still find a way to be okay.

I will have to. And still, I hope. And that is okay too.